Within the office of my head is a wall lined with various sized and colored filing cabinets; each filled with manila folders containing all my flaws, behavioral issues, wounds, insensitive reactions, cheese obsessions etc.. Roughly half of these filing cabinets have been opened thus far. Only half have been opened because I can't just open them myself at will. No, they have to be opened by someone else, by a situation, a life-change, a book Oprah recommends or by God's Spirit. I have neither the password nor the key. Self-awareness doesn't drop on us all at once. It is a process, that is, unless you're Jesus or Morgan Freeman.
One of the already opened files is the moment in 9th grade when I learned how incessantly I talked. One day during lunch a girl named Cindy sat across from me and at one point randomly bet me that I couldn't go one minute without talking. I think I lasted about 15 seconds. (Truth be known she sort of taunted me and I fell for it and started blabbing.) FAIL! I can now painfully imagine that my verbosity must have been maddening to her and everyone else. Her willingness to open one of my filing cabinets was impressive if not a bit unnerving. Oh yeah, I was voted "Most Talkative" that year. A dubious award I think.
But it showed my lack of self-control and lack of self-awareness. Upon that file being opened I began to observe myself, slowly becoming aware of how often my mouth spewed every thought I had. But on a deeper level I learned from the Bible "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45) I began to learn there were some issues in my heart, in my past, in my family, in myself - that were seeping out through my speaking.
From then on I began a quest to listen more, ask more questions, opine less and yammer not at all, if possible; to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Now, many people think I don't talk enough! (well, SOME think that). From the outside many see me as an introvert. (giggle).
A man I know will regularly say about someone, "he doesn't know, what he doesn't know." A way of saying that someone is ignorant about his own ignorance. It's a dangerous thing to say, that comment on another's ignorance. It's a judgment of someone which then opens oneself up for the exact same judgment - which one can honestly investigate or blissfully deny. Personally, several blinding revelations have occurred within me in the last few years hurling me out of (some of) my ignorance. I am now strangely aware of a different version of myself. I am "relearning" who I am.
In his book "Practicing Greatness" Reggie McNeal writes "the single most important piece of information a leader can have is self-awareness."
Who has access to your "office", to your filing cabinets where your potential flaws can be accessed? If your filing cabinets fly open, do you welcome the information, do you fight to remain ignorant and in denial about your issues?
One of those dangerous prayers that can completely uproot our self portrait:
PSALM 139: 23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
I just realized I used the word "clothes" instead of "close" in the opening line of this blog. One more file cabinet opened. 8,794,224 to go.
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