For the last week or so I've been asked the questions "where you goin'?" or "why you leavin'?" or "do you know who you look like?" (that last one seems somewhat unrelated to current circumstances) In trying to answer I find that unless we, you and I, sit down and have an in depth conversation that lasts a week, I'm just not sure I possess the language skills needed to explain it sufficiently. You know, when things start moving in your heart, words seem like a poor tool for descriptive purposes. But here in my unused blog, I'll try.
When I was 12 years old I was sitting in church, not really listening to the youth pastor's message because the girl in front of me was cute, and the guy beside me kept dropping his pencil on the hard tile floor, which sounded like a small cannon firing each time it hit the ground. But suddenly, I heard a voice inside me that seemed not to come from my head, but rather it resonated up from somewhere much deeper, like my spleen. I knew it was God, and when my eyes hit my youth pastor, the voice said "That's what you're going to do. You're going to be a youth pastor."
Yes, it scared me. And I ran. At least for a while.
But when I stopped running, and accepted it, life began to happen and working with teenagers in ministry was as natural as breathing. Sure, I was young and not too wise, but still, it was obvious what God had made me to do. Fast forward almost 30 years, and I felt that God was telling me that my time working with youth was winding down. That knowledge didn't really scare me, because I knew that God had something new planned, I just didn't know what.
As I saw the end of my youth ministry days approaching, I started trying to figure out what was next, but I did this without ever really asking God. I assumed that it would become obvious, if I just kept busy.
So, I did what any faithful, patient, mature follower of God would do. I tried to "make it happen." I accepted any responsibility I was offered and took on any ministry task I was given, looking for all opportunities to use my gifts, all in a search for what was next. The result was that I had chosen to become very busy doing ministry, but I felt very far from myself and I started to become depressed but I couldn't figure out why. I had become a poser, trying to do all that was expected of me, or all that I could take on, in order to find my place, find where my gifts now fit. I was trying to find something that felt as natural and free as youth ministry had. Yet, nothing felt quite the same.
Through no one's fault but my own, I found myself wandering. (Or, perhaps that was God's intent all along.)
That's when I finally stopped, listened and waited.
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