F-BOMB

My Mother died last week. 

For me at least, both her death and how her passing was communicated to me, were........unexpected.

Emotional bonds are just not something with which my family ever struggled.  They just simply did not exist. Nor was my family aware of what you call, "the apologizing." I'm not referring to those "sorry I dropped your JELLO on the floor" or "I'm sorry if you feel that way" - apologies. No, I'm speaking of the mature "I was wrong, please forgive me" type. It was in an interpersonal communication class in college that I first heard of such an apology.

Deep interpersonal connections have always been a foreign concept in our collective. Any relationships that did exist wasd based solely on proximity; live close and you might talk to each other. My living all across the country resulted in my living outside the dome of proper family.

Neither of my two brothers, nor any other family members called me with the news that my Mother had passed away.

I was informed of my Mother's death............. in a text message. 

A text message.  

Neither of my brother's sent the text. It came from my sister-in-law. I'm thankful at least that she made some effort, otherwise I guess I would never have known. 

A text message is an awful way to find out one's parent has passed away.  Perhaps in the new tech cultural lifestyle this is becoming the norm, family members receive death announcements on facebook or in a tweet.  God help us.

After six months of not hearing from anyone in my family, out of the blue I received a single text message that coldly stated, "Your mother has taken her last breath.  She is dead."

That's how I was told.

<<<angry face>>>

FORGIVENESS is relinquishing one's "right" to justice, or one's right to have power that can be held over the one who hurt us.

I did a teaching series a few years back called "F-BOMB" - a series whose name upset some parents, that is, until they found out the actual subject matter.  The topic was simply about the power of "dropping a bomb of forgiveness" on someone who hurt you.  I said forgiveness isn't easy, especially in situations where the one who hurt you, doesn't believe they have done anything wrong, or they don't care if they did.  But God still commands us to forgive.

A website exists for former pastors/ministers who have left their job due to burnout, being hurt, stress, loneliness, etc..

Today an article popped up on their site about forgiveness, explaining that peace can only come when we have truly forgiven those who have hurt us.  They explain two important aspects of forgiveness:

1. FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS
2. FORGIVENESS IS MOSTLY ABOUT ME.

Moment of honesty.  I'm not there yet.  I'm still processing feeling hurts from three years ago and again six months ago.  I have forgiven those who hurt me, though the scars remain and are still raw.  Not to mention they seem to get poked at regularly, unintentionally or intentionally.

But this week, my F-BOMB is stuck in the bomb bay, waiting to be released, waiting to set ME free. I admit - I haven't let it fly yet. I'm trying. 

No. I'm really not. (not yet)

I apologize if I have hurt you in the past. Sincerely.
I hope you will forgive me.

I also apologize if I dropped your JELLO on the floor.

I pray you drop F-BOMBS more easily than do I.

DO YOU PRAY FOR YOUR PASTOR: PART III

PART III: HOW TO BLESS YOUR PASTOR

PART I: "WHY" YOU SHOULD BE PRAYING FOR YOUR PASTOR (click here)
PART II: "HOW" TO PRAY FOR YOUR PASTOR (click here)

Moment of vulnerability here;  I'm not easy to bless.  I don't receive well, maybe because of pride, maybe because of guilt, or maybe because I feel like I need to reciprocate whatever was "given" to me.  You know, someone you kind of know gives you a Christmas gift and you feel obligated to give them something in return, not simply receive it and say "thank-you."

One Sunday, five minutes before our service began, a parent came up to me and wanted to tell me how thankful she was that I was there, leading the ministry.  It was a welcomed bit of encouragement just at the right moment. Or, so I thought.  BAM! With a smile, she abruptly transitioned from encouraging, to making "suggestions" as to how we could do things better, how we needed to reach certain people, and how we might want to tone down the "edginess" of our ministry.  Of course all of these were said politely, not angrily, but they felt manipulative.  She caught me completely off-guard and it wrecked me for the rest of the service.  I was not blessed.  No, I felt like I had been kicked in the bad place.

What truly blesses me is when 1) someone encourages and edifies my wife's calling (worship leading) and gives her opportunities to use that gift.  THAT blesses me.  Or, 2) when people are hungry to grow and be changed; that blesses me.  3) Cheese blesses me.

Saying "I enjoyed your message" does not bless me.  Thought I'm sure it's always sincere, it doesn't seem much different than "I enjoyed that movie", or "I enjoyed that taco."  It's encouraging, but not necessarily a blessing.  However, "Your sermon today kicked my A**! I'll never look at _____________ the same!" - now THAT blesses me.  See the difference?  In this context, a REAL blessing brings a specific encouragement, affirmation, and show of love to the one being blessed.

Although Pastors are individuals and have different tastes, likes, and hobbies, most Pastors are blessed by similar things.   Similarly, most pastors are UN-blessed by similar things.

Let's start there:  WHAT DOES NOT BLESS YOUR PASTOR

• DO NOT say "thank you" for something, then immediately follow that blessing with ideas of how it could be done better, or by informing the pastor of (what you see as) "mistakes" the Pastor made.
• DO NOT walk up to your Pastor before the service and complain, make suggestions, share a "church problem, or your idea of what the church should be doing, or asking why the church isn't................
• DO NOT approach the Pastor before the service, and discuss what was "wrong" with last week's sermon.
• DO NOT "critique" a ministry, activity, or team, but be unwilling yourself to SERVE.
• DO NOT make "snarky" comments about the Pastor having a nice home, going on a nice vacation, or buying a new car, etc..  You don't know the circumstances.  They might have saved for a long time. It might be a gift.  Don't assume! Don't be jealous! Don't decide to stop giving because you think it's going to the Pastor's vacation!
• DO NOT speak negatively about the Pastor to others.  Gossip is not a blessing!
• DO NOT hand the Pastor a book and say "you should preach on this!"
• DO NOT assume you are one of the Pastor's best friends. If you are, you'll know it.
• DO NOT repeatedly "push" a ministry you are passionate about upon the Pastor.  Give him/her time to pray/think about it.  It may not fit with the church's vision or mission.  Don't get your feelings hurt if your pet project isn't adopted by the church.
• DO NOT EXPECT the Pastor to do everything, be everything, be available 24/7.  (See Part I)
• DO NOT send the Pastor anonymous emails or letters of complaint or anger.  That's the act of a coward.  If you have a problem, humbly talk to him /her.

Many of these "DO NOTs" are simple: Pastors don't need a "drive-by" agendas on the weekends!

Most of these UN-blessings can be simply avoided if you make arrangement to talk to the pastor "off-line."  In other words, call him/her during the week and make an appointment. A good conversation starter is "would it be okay if I talked to you about___________?"

HOW TO BLESS YOUR PASTOR'S MINISTRY  (a basic list)

1. PRAY for THE PASTOR (we've covered        that already).  THAT blesses PASTOR.
2. SERVE humbly and willingly. See          
      something that needs doing, jump in     
       and help. Don't take over! Just          
       serve.  That blesses the PASTOR
3. SUPPORT UNITY in the church.  Stand 
       against divisions and gossip. THAT 
       blesses the PASTOR
4. THANK THE PASTOR.  Be specific. Do it 
       in person, in an email, in a letter. (a 
       written note  has tremendous encouragement impact.)  Let it be a thank you ONLY!          THAT blesses the PASTOR
5. BLESS HIS STAFF AND LEADERS.  Be generous to them. Invest in their lives.  THAT 
        blesses the PASTOR!
7. DO PROPER CONFLICT RESOLUTION.  Talk to the Pastor FIRST.  THAT BLESSES THE     
        PASTOR!
8. DON'T ASSUME your are, or should be, a leader. Be a servant, and grow into a leader! 
       THAT blesses the Pastor.
10. SIT CLOSE to the front in the church service.  Have your Bible. Follow Along.  Take 
      notes. (okay, that's old-school).  Use your technology, but PAY ATTENTION! so it 
       doesn't look like you're playing video poker!
11.  SEEK TRANSFORMATION!  THAT BLESSES A PASTOR!


HOW TO BLESS YOUR PASTOR PERSONALLY       

1. PRAY!  ASK GOD HOW YOU SPECIFICALLY CAN ENCOURAGE YOUR PASTOR.  Everyone has different gifts and skills to offer.  
2. ASK!  That doesn't mean ask the Pastor himself, but ask his friends or his family.  Ask other pastors what blesses them.
3. Be generous!

• If your Pastor has a favorite restaurant, buy him a gift card for his family.  Slip it to him ANONYMOUSLY!
• If you have access to a vacation spot, arrange a trip for the Pastor's Family.  For that matter, if you have the resources, send them on a cruise!
• If the Pastor has kids, arrange a baby sitter so the Pastor and his wife can have a night out.  (arrange this ahead of time)
• Bake cookies for the Pastor!
• Share food with them!  If you live in a place with access to fresh produce (like here in Oregon), bring them a basket of freshly picked fruit and vegetables 
• GIVE YOUR PASTOR TICKETS to a sporting event (GO SAINTS) or a Play, Musical, etc.. 
• Buy him/her a gas card for his personal use.
• Give him a Starbucks card
• If you can, Offer your Pastor a Getaway (cabin or something) for his OWN PERSONAL SPIRITUAL RETREAT.
• Find what your Pastor's favorite beverage is, and give it to him.

SOME RANDOM PRACTICAL BLESSINGS

• Wash your Pastor's car while he is at work.  Yep, grab the hose at the church and go to town!  (do a good job.  A crappy job is not a blessing)
• Be available to run errands for your Pastor
• Remember your Pastor's Birthday!  Make sure others remember too!
• Send your Pastor a note, 
• affirming his sermon or sharing what you like about the church he leads.
• sharing how his church has changed your life.
• offering your willingness to serve.
• Bring him lunch one day during the week.  Ask what he likes.
• Give him and his/her family Christmas Gifts.
• Invite their kids over for the day or for an activity, to give your Pastor a rest.
• Respect his / her time

FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND ADD TO THE LIST

PRAYING FOR YOUR PASTOR: PART II: "HOW" TO PRAY - SOME PRACTICAL PRAYERS

PART II: "HOW" TO PRAY FOR YOUR PASTOR - SOME PRACTICAL PRAYERS
(part 1 - "why" - click here)

During your week, your day, in the middle of the night, in your personal time with God - is your Pastor on your mind?  Is your Pastor, his spiritual life, leadership, or family life something about which you pray?  Do you come to your church service having lifted your Pastor to God in prayer during the week?   Do you only think of him or her when the sermon starts?  

One Saturday night at about 3:30 AM I awoke, stumbling about the house looking for a snack.  I was in college at the time. Immediately, I felt this urgent need to pray for our pastor.  In my sleepy fog, I somehow chose not to ignore that voice, and I stopped and prayed. It felt like a spiritual battle was being waged.  I prayed and prayed and prayed for nearly an hour. Then, as suddenly as the urgency hit me, it was gone.  I ate a Pop Tart and went back to sleep. The next morning during church service, our pastor said "Oh, by the way, someone was praying for me around 3:30 this morning. I could sense it and I wanted to say thank you. I was really struggling with something, and I could tell someone was praying for me."

I say that not to brag, but to illustrate that God's leaders need prayer. The signs are out there  about who needs prayer and when, if we will just still ourselves enough to listen. Those prayers are a blessing and a comfort to Pastors.

That experience caused two things to stick with me to this day:
1. Pastors need our prayers.
2. Our prayers for our Spiritual Leaders...............WORK!

"The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (James 5: 16)

We pray for our Pastors because we love them, and want God's best for them.  So here are some simple, basic ways to approach God on behalf of your Pastor.

PRAYER PREP:  DON'T SKIP THIS STEP!

• Confess to God anything in your heart you've held against your pastor. Confess to God any gossip or dissension you have caused.
• Repent of unfair expectations you've had of your pastor, or any judgment you've held against him.
• Read Exodus 17.  Notice the desire of Aaron and Hur to support Moses, to serve him as their leader.  Work to assimilate that attitude into your heart.

"Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset.  As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle."


The simplest way to pray for your Pastor?  Find Bible verses in your own personal spiritual study, and use those verses as a basis to pray those for your pastor.

PRAYING FOR YOUR PASTOR'S - PRIVATE SPIRITUAL LIFE

• Pray that your Pastor will Love God with ALL his heart.
• Pray that your Pastor will have strong CHARACTER and INTEGRITY. 
• Pray that your Pastor will be a man of Prayer and Worship.  Pray that he will have, and make time for these. 
• Pray for your pastor's personal walk and journey with God. Pray for his own spiritual ability to hear God - NOT as it relates to ministry, but as it relates to his needs, wounds, growth areas and that God simply LOVES him.
• Pray that Scripture will dwell in your Pastor's heart, that it will heal and transform him, and that it will affect all that he sees, does and feels.  Pray for his ability to MEDITATE on God's Word for his own personal encouragement.
•  Pray against distractions in his personal time with God.
• Ask God to reveal, IN LOVE, any actions or words of the Pastor that may have been in the flesh, and may have wounded people.  
• Pray for the Pastor to have clear personal vision for his life, to be refreshed, and to have personal revival.

PRAYING FOR YOUR PASTOR'S - MINISTRY

• Pray that Scripture and the Holy Spirit will guide his counsel, teachings, decisions and relationships.
• Pray that your pastor will not be beaten down by discouragement, but will sense God's calling and strength, and will stand strong.
• Pray for the financial needs of the church to be met.
• Ask God for the Pastor to remain a "man of grace and love."
• Pray for strong men and women of God who are gifted, people who can be and desire to be raised up as leaders.
• Ask God to reveal and heal any hurts, rejections, disappointments, losses, and fears that may hinder his faith, leadership and his ministry.
• Ask God to provide men and women that the pastor can trust with his fears, failures and weaknesses; people who will support him, affirm his calling, hold him accountable and protect him, his family, his time and his heart.
• Ask God to bring unity to the body.  Pray against division, gossip, and anyone who would undermine the Pastor's authority.
• Ask God to provide people who can serve, so that the Pastor can focus on his gifts and his priorities.
• Pray for the Pastor to be able to say "No" sometimes, and not feel guilty about it.
• Ask God to bring a new level of power to the Pastor's teaching and ministry.

PRAY FOR YOUR PASTOR'S - PERSONAL LIFE

• Ask God to provide for the Pastor's family - not just their needs, but blessings, rest, intimacy and fun, as well.
• Ask God to provide restful and restorative places and experiences where the Pastor can go to relax, disengage from "work", and heal.
• Pray for your pastor's marriage.  Pray for protection, joy, and romance.  Pray that he will cherish his bride. Pray that the work of ministry will not diminish their personal lives.
• Pray for the Pastor's family, for health, for fun times together, and for a peaceful home.
• Ask God to give the Pastor real friends - friends with whom he can trust, be himself, relax around, and not have to be the "Pastor" when around them.
• Pray for your Pastor's Emotional Health.

ASK GOD WHAT YOUR PASTOR NEEDS. 
    

For over ten years, there on my desk next to my computer, has been a large key ring, one that didn't hold actual keys. Rather it has 30 or so small cards attached to it, each containing a Bible verse, and on the back, a corresponding prayer for my pastor. It has been a constant reminder and tool for praying for my pastor; if not using the specific card prayers, just seeing it was a constant reminder to keep praying for him. 

They are called "KEYS TO THE KINGDOM."

BUY THEM HERE. Or, buy a bunch and give them away! (*they also have ones for wives, husbands, etc..)

Prayer is powerful and effective, and can make all the difference in the strength and longevity of the Pastors who lead us.  Praying for our Pastor turns our heart towards him / her, investing in them with a desire for their "success."

Next: Part III will cover HOW to BLESS your Pastor.  

As I said in the previous blog, don't walk up to your pastor, stop him inconsiderately, lay hands on him and start praying out loud for him. He may have to poop.  

FINALLY!  DO NOT GO UP TO YOUR PASTOR SAYING "I READ THIS BLOG ABOUT PRAYING FOR MY PASTOR AND NOW I'M GOING TO PRAY FOR YOU!"  That's less encouragement than it can be bragging.  JUST PRAY!  THAT'S ENOUGH.  HE'LL KNOW!

DO YOU PRAY FOR YOUR PASTOR?: PART I

PART I: WHY YOU SHOULD BE PRAYING FOR YOUR PASTOR
PART II: HOW TO PRAY FOR YOUR PASTOR (coming soon)
PART III: HOW TO BLESS YOUR PASTOR (coming soon)

At one point in my youth ministry career, I knew of nine girls between the ages of 14 and 18, who had been sexually assaulted.  Two of those had been by family members.  Those nine were simply the ones I knew about.  I did some (rudimentary public school) math and realized that worked out to about 15% of the girls in our high school group.  Those were the ones I KNEW about and I would guess the number was more like 25-35%.  Possibly due to shame or guilt, some never sought help from us. Later, one girl came to me years after her assault, revealing her ordeal and saying she had been afraid God thought she was dirty and wouldn't love her anymore. I wept at the hurt and damage done to these girls.  At times it kept me up at night. Even today, years removed, I get emotional about them.  I used to say being a Youth Pastor was the Best and Worst job in the world.

Even with the strength God gives a Pastor, especially a Senior Pastor, and the confidence one has in being called to Pastor people, being a Pastor in a church is one of the most difficult, stressful, "jobs' you could imagine. It is one fraught with conflict, joy, rejection, miracles, heartbreak, power, and wounds, all while seeing God's love at work in the world.

Pastors need prayer.  Everyone does, obviously, but the responsibilities that lay in the hands of a pastor are extraordinarily heavy.  A Pastor "works" while others receive ministry.  Pastors pray for people when they probably need immense prayer themselves. When others are grieving, the Pastor has to be strong, even when their own hearts are breaking.

I AM NOT writing this for people to feel pity for the Pastor. Nor am I trying to manipulate people into praying for their pastor.  My only point in this blog is to hopefully bring attention to people who desperately need prayer.  Pastors are human.  They are flawed, wounded, fallible and lead with a limp, then expected to be perfectly holy. 

SOME REASONS WHY A PASTOR NEEDS PRAYER:

THE 24/7 PASTOR:

• Pastors are on-call 24/7, required and expected to jump into ministry mode no matter how bad they feel or what stress is upon them.
• In counseling or leading people - the emotional, spiritual and physical issues,and sins, which are shared with the Pastor, are a heavy burden to bear, constantly on his mind and heart. They linger with him - even on vacation.
• In the midst of being the 24/7 Pastor, He or She has to clear space in his world for study, prayer, worship and meditation, so that his own personal / spiritual life is strong enough to lead.
• The Pastor knows things that other people don't know.  He knows the finances of the church, the plumbing issues, and deals with the complainers. He knows people who are cheating on their spouse, and how much a new copier is going to cost.

THE PASTOR AS LEADER - NEEDS PRAYER

• The Pastor has to determine, with God's guidance, how to "steer" this ship called the "church", trying to successfully show the church the vision God has given him.  And, people don't like change.
• The Pastor is responsible to listen to God's leading and make decisions about what the church needs and where it is going.  At these times, the Pastor needs encouragement, confirmation and continual prayer that he is hearing correctly from God.
• The Pastor can get surprisingly little real encouragement. People of his church want his time, they want to inform him or influence him. But few know how to encourage him.  Everyone, especially Pastors, receive encouragement differently. People will say "I really enjoyed your sermon" -yet if pressed, if the pastor asks "what specifically spoke to you or changed you?' - often people have no answer.  Rather than encouraging the Pastor, the Pastor is often discouraged, feeling like he or she failed.
• The Pastor is the guardian of the church, protecting it's theology, it's reputation, it's operation and anything or anyone who would try to damage the church.

   

THE PRIVATE PASTOR - NEEDS PRAYER

• Pastors receive 10 times as many complaints as they do encouragement, affirmations, or thank-yous.  The discouragement takes its toll.
• Pastors often feel alone, especially if they have been let down or hurt by people they trusted, people who were committed but became dissatisfied.
• Pastors feel alone when those he leads simply don't like change, especially if he feels the change is what God is speaking to him.
• In the midst of carrying the burden of people's lives, running a church, leading a staff and trying to hear from God, the Pastor has to determine what God wants to say to the congregation each week, and then bring that message----well.
• Plus - the Pastor has to have a life outside of the church, where he isn't "Pastor Bob", but just Bob, who can enjoy a beer with his friends without being judged.

THE CURSE OF UNFAIR EXPECTATIONS:

• Pastors are expected to be everything to every one.  Churches are filled with "consumers", those of us who selectively grab what we like (worship, childrens ministry, coffee, etc.), while leaving growth, commitment or support on the metaphorical "shelf." We ignore what doesn't "suit" us. We, the church consumers, create an environment where the Pastor is fighting to bring what is needed, not what is simply wanted.
• PEOPLE EXPECT THE SENIOR PASTOR TO BE THEIR FRIEND, EVEN IN A LARGE CHURCH.  But as Pastor Mark Driscoll asked, "shouldn't I have the right to decide who my friends are?  Shouldn't I be able to determine my own circle of friends without having everyone assume they are my best buddy and without them getting their feelings hurt when they are not?"
• People justify their seemingly selfish EXPECTATIONS by saying "Hey, we pay his salary!"  However, giving to the church, its ministries and ministers (cheerfully), is part of being a committed member of a church.  Giving is not like buying donuts: "I give you $$$, so you better give me donuts!"  Giving is a faithful investment in what God is doing. 

DIFFERENT TYPES OF PASTORS: 

• People don't realize there are MANY "types" of pastors, yet all can be Senior Pastors. The spiritual gifts God has placed within them determine how they lead the church.

• Teaching Pastors - (Passion -Study, interpret and teach God's truth)
• Evangelistic Pastors - (Passion - Bring a message that draws people to meet                                        God)
• Visionary Pastors - (Passion - See the potential of a church, and lead the                                      church to the see the crazy big potential plans of God)
• Missionary Pastors - (Passion - Have a burning desire to reach people in lands                                 where people need God.  They raise up and send out                                        missionaries, regularly going themselves)
• Pastoral Pastors (seems redundant, but these pastors love caring for the                                     needs of [a group of] people)
• Executive Pastor - (Passion - Loves making everything happen and run                                           smoothly.)
• Apostolic Pastor - (Passion - Gifted to be a leader of leaders)
• etc., etc, etc, 
• ALL OF THESE CAN BE A SENIOR PASTOR!  

BE THANKFUL FOR THE TYPE OF SENIOR PASTOR AND PASTORS YOU HAVE!!!  It's unfair to expect him or her to be a type of Pastor God never intended them to be. If we do,we may find ourselves opposing God Himself. 

IT SHOULD BE NOTED:

1. Churches can, if allowed, create or allow a culture where a Pastor needs to be everything except what they are specifically gifted to be.  This culture can be a fertile ground for all the issues listed above.  Church culture needs to change, from the old-school "Pastor-do-all" to "ALL MEMBERS ARE MINISTERS."  It's a culture that changes in the hearts of the church community.  It starts with us.
2. Many Pastors are workaholics.  They can be driven by perfectionism.  They may feel guilty for saying "No."  Pastors can feel immense pressure from their church's "culture" which presses them into working unrealistic hours.  Pastors can feel an innocently arrogant burden that "only I can do this."  Pastors need to be released from workaholic-ism.  Elders need to step in. And we need to pray for the Pastor to be free to be who God made him or her to be.

Your Pastor needs intercessory prayer: - praying in our daily communications with God, not in a personal moment with the pastor. (intercession - praying on behalf of another, or others.)  

IN MY NOT-SO-HUMBLE OPINION: Before we complain about our Pastor, our Church or it's Leaders, let's do this. With a pure heart, we should spend a month doing intercession on our Pastor's behalf.  Truthfully, prayer changes me, and maybe I'm the one who needs to be changed.  Perhaps MY heart is what truly needs an overhaul. 

Are you ready?  Do you see the need?

Understanding the need to pray for your Pastor, PART II will cover HOW to pray for your pastor.  In the meantime, don't walk up to your pastor, stop him inconsiderately, lay hands on him and start praying out loud for him. He may NEED to poop.  

DO NOT go up to your pastor and declare "I READ THIS BLOG ABOUT PRAYING FOR MY PASTOR AND NOW I'M GOING TO PRAY FOR YOU!"  That's less about him, and more about you. Rather than encouragement it can be just bragging, trying to ingratiate ourselves with the Pastor.  JUST PRAY!  THAT'S ENOUGH.  HE'LL KNOW!

PUKING DOWN THE RIVER: LEADERSHIP and HUMILITY

Since I was a small, wild, child, I have always had a passion for swimming and any type of water activities.  So, as a youth pastor I've taken many groups on white water rafting trips, staring down death, injury, bloody carnage and a potential "Deliverance" episode. Of all these trips, one sits on the most prominent pedestal in the archives of FAIL, more than all the others.

One year I decided to take a large group of student and adult leaders camping and then rafting down the New River in West Virginia, a stunningly beautiful bit of nature, perfect for a trip in a raft.  The night before the rafting excursion, we stayed in a campsite that was nice enough, the next morning sharing a breakfast of bacon.  I'm sure there was more but I'm just covering the important components.

Imaginations ran wild with anticipation at the thought of soon being hurled down a wild river, dodging rocks, logs, waterfalls and squid. Everyone was prepared for the thrill. That is, everyone but me.  During the night, some sort of illness (I think it was Monkey Pox) began to overtake me.  Sweating, pounding headache, and my stomach felt like a 1950s Kenmore washing machine that had flung itself way out of balance. I was sick. Horribly sick.

But I was the leader and had to press on, not because I needed to BE the leader, we had plenty of leaders, all of whom I had trusted completely.  No, I had to go purely out of ego.  I had to be the "cool" leader, the unbreakable, unstoppable youth pastor about whom everyone could brag to their friends.  Pride goes before a fall.  I should have known better.

As soon as we climbed aboard the old school bus, cruising down a rough dirt road to the river, all of my internal organs began to scream at me saying "HEY IDIOT!!!  DON'T DO THIS!  YOU-WILL-REGRET-THIS!"  But I was the leader!  I found a garbage bag, prepared for the ejection of bacon.  Sweat poured down my face.  It was obvious I was running a fever, but I thought, "hey, we're about to cruise down a cold river.  I'll be fine.  I put on my "ain't Jesus good!" face, and pressed on.

Long story short, I puked all the way down the river.  Puked out of the raft. Puked in the raft.  Puked on a student who was swimming in the water beside the raft. At one point, out of concern for me, we gathered all the rafts together so the guides could check on me, and I puked in the middle of the pack, for all to see.  When we stopped for lunch, like an idiot, I thought that maybe having some food on my stomach might help, that perhaps I was just experiencing motion sickness.  Not a smart idea. After puking, AGAIN, one of the female students said "Jim, you really need to chew your food!"  Not feeling like chewing, I just just inhaled whatever we had, which I think included some manner of spaghetti.

All my hopes of being the cool leader were dashed.  I was thoroughly humiliated,  embarrassed by my failure,  it was one of the few times I couldn't laugh at myself.

Two weeks later I heard Patrick Lencioni speak on leadership at the Willow Creek Leadership Summit.  His wisdom on being a good leader virtually punched me in the head. His message was from his book, THE FIVE DYSFUNCTIONS OF A TEAM, which stated the the core dysfunction, the one that affects everything else about a team, is AN ABSENCE OF TRUST. The absence of trust comes when a leader is unwilling to be vulnerable with his/her team.  Out of fear, insecurity, arrogance, apathy - a leader does not make himself or herself available to be part of the entire team, distancing themselves from those they lead. This distance communicates to the team that they are not trusted.  In turn, the team doesn't trust the leader. According to Lencioni, this TRUST ISSUE is the foundation of a healthy team, and without it, the whole organization stagnates, or at worst, collapses all together.

I heard what he was saying.  I assimilated it.  I saw that my failure wasn't that I was sick and uncool on the rafting trip, but the failure was my ego; in my fear of being human.  So I asked some people from the rafting trip to go to lunch, to relive our shared experience. We all laughed at me, and the poor guy I puked on.  I was able to demonstrate to them the importance of being open, and honest, and vulnerable with those we lead.  It was a pivotal moment in my own leadership style, and something I now expect from other leaders. Trust is infectious.  Humility is attractive.  And, spaghetti should not be eaten before rafting.

JUDGE NOT! YA JERK!

Standing in line outside at the REDBOX, waiting to rent something mindless, a thoroughly pimped out pickup truck pulled into a parking space next to where I stood, stereo BLASTING. Yes, some sort of rap replete with all manner of obscenities, vulgarities, profanities and apparently an extensive lexicon of the reproductive components of both women and men.  The "music" loud enough to be heard literally across the state while his windows were yet rolled up.  Literally, across the state.

Out jumps a young fellow (young to me anyway) in his late twenties / early thirties, tatted up with skulls, demons, cars and I think I saw one that was an exquisitely detailed C-3PO.  In front of me were several people in line, the hardcore looking guy at the REDBOX was renting "Brave."  From my peripheral vision I could see the young tatted pickup dude was maneuvering to cut in line in front of me.  I began to get angry. "OH NO!  I don't think so!" screaming in my head.  Stealthfully, I took back my territory, easing my way forward and to the left to block his maneuver.  I kept thinking to myself, "this guy........", never finishing the thought, yet still rolling my eyes in derision.  When it was my turn, I began to step towards the box, when the tat-covered offender spoke to me and said this:

"Excuse me, I was wondering, if it's not to much trouble, if I might go ahead of you?  I'm just returning this movie and I'm late getting home to dinner.  Would that be okay?"  The gentleness in his tone of voice combined with, what I sensed was, humility not expectation, stunned me for a moment.

My hardened heart relented, the scales falling off my eyes (literally), and kindness overcoming and convicting me of being an asshat, I said, "Sure.  Please go ahead."  He did. When finished, he looked me in the eye and said, "Thank you. I really do appreciate it." Returning to the obscenity mobile, he drove off.  His articulate and gracious words ping-ponging about my brain.

I had judged him.  I. Judged. Him.

The Bible speaks of judging, Jesus words of instruction saying "Do Not Judge Others."

On the other hand, there are many instances where judgement is advocated:

• Acts 6: "select seven men who are well respected and are full of the Spirit and wisdom."
• 1 Timothy 3:  The qualifications of an Elder
• 1 Corinthians 5: 12: 13:  Judging those in the church, but not outsiders
• Galatians 3: Paul called the entire church at Galatia "foolish"

Clearly, those of us who commit to a community of believers are opening ourselves up, not to random criticism, but to accountability, and therefore, judgment.  If we're not open to that, then we're in the wrong place. Christians, especially leaders, need objective accountability.

But, that's not what I did.  I judged this guy's character, his heart, his motives.  I determined his worth based on MY expectations and based on my life experience.  I gave him no chance to be a person of value simply because he wasn't like me.

Judging others is a way to curse them in some ways.  It's finding things that offend us, that don't fit within what we see as acceptable, then shoving that person into a box (literally); a box which forces them as they grow, to grow into the shape WE believe is right for them. It forces them to become something they were never designed to be.  Judgment finds the worst,

not the best. It keeps us safe, and keeps others distant.  It is an evil, cloaked literally in righteousness.

I have a friend who judged people with tattoos; judged them harshly. Convicted of her judgmental heart, she went out and got a tattoo herself, as a way to cast herself with those she judged.  She became one of them and in so doing, opened herself up to a whole new world of people, people to whom she could love, care for, know, and "be" Jesus.

I am so judgmental, I painfully confess and repent.  

I judge people who use the word "literally" incorrectly. Uggh. While on earth, Jesus was an advocate for the people the "church" (and I) would judge.  I long to be an advocate, not a literal asshat.

My friend Jeff recently confessed to me that he was planning a mid-life crisis sometime in the near future. Planning a mid-life crisis seems like a rather mature thing to do, ironically enough.  I think most people stumble face-first into their mid-life crisis.  From boredom, or driving a mini-van, or finding gray hairs in places where hair should not be gray, we're afraid we won't REALLY live, before we die. Most people don't plan their mid-life crisis.

Jeff is unique though.  Not only musically skilled, he has a unique ability to take the horribly complicated and filter it into something simple minds, like mine, can easily grasp and assimilate into their own person knowledge base.

Jeff it seems, dislikes his job, his career, what he's done successfully for years.  As he and I talked about his life, he told me about desires that have been popping up in his heart and head; a desire to return to school and potentially become a professor of theology - either that or a game show host.  He would be exceptional at both! Jeff's question is one we all have at one time or another, that plaguing feeling that there is something else out there for me, something more meaningful; a purpose for which God specifically created me beyond just a "job" that pays the bills and gives me a comfy office chair that spins around.  

Jeff asked me an interesting question.  He asked, "how do I know if it's God who is speaking to me, or if it's just me being selfish?"

People have been seeking the answer to this question since Elvis died.  As I've served in ministry, this question is one of those I've been asked more than almost any other, and rarely do I have a simple answer because everyone, and everyone's individual situation and life with God, is different. 

I asked Jeff if he was happy.  His answer?  No.
I asked Jeff if he felt this new desire was from God.  His answer?  He wasn't sure.  His feeling is that the pressure and dislike of his job seems to make it harder for him to hear God.  

Anyone else ever felt that?

I gave my friend two pieces of advice, or my own dumb opinion.

1.  Find a place where you can be still and just listen.  As Samuel said "Speak Lord.  You're servant is listening."  (to be honest, I couldn't remember who said this and Jeff knew it was Samuel.  That should answer his question!)

2.  The Bible tells us "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" - an often misused verse people use to declare what they want and deserve.  In fact it means if you are following God with all your heart, he will remove your selfish desires and replace them with the desires he wants you to have.

I told Jeff that if he was trying hard to follow the Lord, then God has been and is, placing HIS desires inside him.  And if that's the case, then yes, his desires are by definition selfish.  But that's okay.  So long as living in God's presence is our number one goal, our desires ARE our desires - AND God's desires. In a way that can only happen in God's Kingdom, our desires are both self-less, and self-ish.


Live Like We're Dying - Kris Allen

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up
We're hiding behind skin that's too tough
How come we don't say I love you enough
Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come
And we could make a feast from these crumbs
And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you,
What would you wish you would've done

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

I wish I was intelligent enough to plan a mid-life crisis.  Then again, in my case, I suppose I should schedule a plan to, you know, GROW UP.  In my heart I know Jeff would be a great teacher or instructor.  He has a gift.  While he's planning things, I might suggest he schedule falling and breaking his hip.

LYING TO ONE'S SELF?

Have you ever thoroughly and repeatedly lied to yourself, about yourself?  Have you ever brushed over reality with the hues and textures of your own, better, revised version of your true self?  Are you lying to yourself now?

In "The Brothers Karamazov"  Russian author and philosopher Fyodor Dosteyevsky writes, “Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” 

The theme for the my own personal journey of the last few years has been - "know thyself", or "know thyself better," or "know that I have what we call "the issues" -which requires wise counsel and a well-aimed tazer to the temporal lobe." 

Oddly enough, there are apparently numerous "self" aspects to "self-awareness", one of which is self-delusion.  It is deceiving ourselves about ourselves.  Voltaire wrote, “The human brain is a complex organ with the wonderful power of enabling man to find reasons for continuing to believe whatever it is that he wants to believe.” 

Deceiving ourselves can look like:

• I'm not apologizing! I didn't do anything wrong! (The Arrogant Lie)
• I've forgiven them, but........  (The Righteous Denial Lie)
• Justin Bieber is a GREAT musician!  (The Crack Lie)
• I've been this way my whole life, I can't change now!  (The I'm Stubborn Lie)
• She's a good friend.  But did you hear what she did?!?  (The Gossipy "friend" Lie)
• No, I don't need you to pray for me.  (The Prideful Religious Person Lie)
• He/she is disagreeing with me because they just don't "get it."  (The "I can't be wrong" Lie)

One that makes me sick is "I'm not a racist, but....."

We deceive ourselves about our goodness, our badness, our honesty or our spiritual maturity and faithfulness.  Check out the Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector!

In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Aberforth Dumbledore says to Harry Potter, "You're Lying!  Not to me; that doesn't matter.  You're lying to yourself!  That's what a fool does!"

In my journey of Self-Awareness, I'm learning that I've lied to myself; sometimes wounds of the past distort what really happened.  The more I relive that memory, the more distorted it becomes until my new version of reality has set like concrete inside my heart. It's not unlike fights, feuds or wars where people have forgotten why they started fighting in the first place. I've lied to myself about my fears, lied to myself about hurts. I have lied to myself about how I've treated people or lied to myself about how I had been treated by someone (often making excuses for them, looking past their jackassery).  Reality is traded for what is easy, comfortable and non-threatening, at least to me.

As Dosteyevsky said, the concluding result of lying to oneself is "he ceases to love." Ironically, I have seen people who lie to themselves and eventually cease to love (for other people don't feel any love from them). Upon reaching this pit, He can then lie to himself again -convincing himself that he DOES love, oblivious of the trail of broken and damaged people lying on the road behind him.

At the conclusion of Aberforth's rebuking of Harry Potter, he makes a statement that I could easily hear Jesus saying.  After saying "that's what a fool does" he looks at Harry and says "you don't strike me as a fool."  He sees hope in a fallible person.

Above all, don't lie to yourself.  You deserve better than that!  Plus, you don't want to be tazed in the temporal lobe.


PREVIOUS BLOG: "HALLELUJAH" AND OTHER WEIRD STUFF WE SAY

Jumping Without A Chute: part III

Continued from before....

Suddenly, gifts, calling, freedom, mission all began to swirl around inside of me until I thought I was going to explode. (not literally, of course.)

I believe all Christians are "called", meaning that God has gifted all that follow Him, and designed us to fulfill his Kingdom purposes through us. Everyone.

But the calling isn't about a title or an obligation. It should be a mission that is burning beyond simple duty. It's unquenchable. It's undeniable. Yes, it can be avoided, but avoiding it leaves a scar of dissatisfaction that never truly heals.

The "mission" is calling me. Not a job. Not a place. Not a title. I'm being drawn to a mission that is just now coming into focus.

Perhaps that will mean a job serving in a church. Perhaps it will mean living a Kingdom life while in a job outside what we consider "the church." But, as McNeal writes, "the venue provides a platform for the leader to pursue a life mission. The venue is negotiable; the mission is non-negotiable."

I get the sense that God is drawing me to a mission that will feel much more natural and free than youth ministry ever did. And that's saying something.

What am I doing? Yeah, I don't really know yet. I'm just trying to be obedient, nothing more, nothing less. I've learned that when God says "move", one really should move.

I'm not chasing a ministry job. I'm finding my mission!

So, if someone asks me "do you know who you look like?" hopefully the answer will be

"someone whose spleen is talking to them!"

Next Post: "Charred"

Jumping Without A Chute: part II

continued from part I

When I stopped working FOR God and started walking with Him, some interesting conversations developed. I sensed God asking me "what are your gifts? What are your passions in ministry? What have I made you to do and be?" For so long I had been stuck in the mentality that who I am is "youth pastor" that I hadn't really thought of the gifts God had given me, or how those specific gifts can be used in a wide range of areas, not just youth ministry.

So I made a list of my gifts and passions in serving God. It's wasn't about defining a job or seeking a role or title. The question was: when, where and how does God work through me? What does He do that really gets my "fire" going?

The truth is, there are many things I CAN do. But there are only a few that I was MADE to do.

Once I realized and acknowledged my gifts and passions in ministry, I sensed God asking me "what do you need? What do you need when you serve, so that you can be healthy and accountable and free?" I was totally freaked out by this question! "Need? NEED????

Wait, It's okay to NEED something???" I thought needing anything but God was not right, right?

Right???

In reality I had succumbed to the martyr notion that to need showed weakness or selfishness or something immature. It was wrong to need! Or so I thought. But, after prayer and quietness, I tried out a little humility and made a list of the things I needed, not what everyone needs, just me. Honestly, I still felt a little guilty for "needing", but soon realized the profound arrogance of thinking I don't "need" something in order to function the way I was designed.

Then it happened. Yosemite National Park. (yes, yes, yes. It's where I chased the bear. But that's another story).

In May Michele and I went to Yosemite and every single time I got quiet I heard God whisper "I want you to be free. I want you to be free. I want you to be free." At first I didn't understand what he meant but I soon discovered that the freedom He was wanting for me wasn't what one might assume. It was freedom FROM living under the calling of "Youth Pastor" for 20 years, and freedom TO live differently.

In his book "Practicing Greatness" Reggie McNeal talks about "being on a mission." He writes "People, even leaders, typically define themselves in terms of jobs, position descriptions, roles. When asked what they are about in life they respond with, 'I'm a _______________ (fill in the blank with some line of work)' or 'I work at ___________' (some company or organization)."

He goes on to say "Great leaders, on the other hand, tell you what they are intending to accomplish, the mission they are on. 'I am working to change ___________' or 'I am investing my life in order to ____________." These leaders speak in terms of contribution, of significance, of changing the world.'"

Then McNeal writes "The life mission of great leaders determines the content of their days, of their work, of their energies and talents."

I realized God was calling me, my gifts, my passions, my needs to something new; not a job...........................................

but a mission.

NEXT POST: PART 3