Generally speaking, I have only had two truly great fears, the paralyzing type of fear that has the power to make one wet one’s self. The first is Justin Bieber. But seeing as how I will likely never come face to face with the future former teen sensation, that fear has little affect on me other than forcing me to occasionally change the channel.
On the other hand, I’ve always been terrified of being hit by lightning. Don’t get me wrong, I love watching lightning in the distance, or seeing my bedroom light up during a storm at night. But, terror can kick in if I’m outside and lightning is close, if I have to run across a parking lot during a storm or even if lightning strikes close while I’m inside. As far back as I can recall, I’ve had this fear.
The other day, while watching a storm out the kitchen window I had a flashback (figuratively speaking) that revealed where this fear originated. When I was about 8 years old, the father of one of my best friends was killed by lightning as a thunderstorm approached. He was outside putting away his lawnmower when it happened. That’s where it began. That’s where my fear of lightning started.
Typically fear doesn’t appear to others as “panic” like when someone goes screaming out of the room at the sight of a roach. We have become exceptionally skilled at masking our fear so its symptoms are more subtle. When I have fear I can appear to be wisely “cautious” when I am actually just scared to move. When I have fear I can appear to be strong, overcompensating for the weakness in myself that I loathe. I might mock people, or judge them when in reality I'm just scared to look stupid. The hard part is seeing fear in myself for I am certain the issue either belongs to someone else, or is caused by someone else.
I hate fear. It’s poison. It’s toxic. And the only thing worse than being afraid, is being completely unaware that I am afraid or unwilling to admit I am afraid.
There is a pattern to fear. It’s unmistakable if you know what to look for.
Here is the pattern:
- Fear leads to Insecurity.
- Insecurity leads to Suspicion.
- Suspicion leads to Mistrust.
- Mistrust leads to Isolation.
- Isolation leads to Loneliness.
- And because humans were not designed to be disconnected, that Loneliness breeds…………………………..Fear.
And thus the cycle repeats itself.
Without a large, clear window through which to look, I would never know why I was afraid of lightning. I would never be able to overcome that fear. If I were to close myself off in an interior room, I might “feel” safe, hidden away, but I would just be deluding myself and missing out on the beauty of the storm.
On the other hand, I feel perfectly okay being scared of Justin Bieber.
