HILLS UPON WHICH I WOULD DIE

Back in the day (feels like a millennium ago), as a teenager struggling to deal with some inner demons, some family demons, and probably some regular, run of the mill, smelly demons, I was active in my church's youth group.  Singing or worship music wasn't as common as it is today, and as I recall generally reserved for retreats and such.  Two or three of those songs are still cemented in my brain, one of which was based upon 

Micah 6:8: 
  
He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you;   
but to do justly, to love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?

When I gave my resignation in my last church position, I experienced an immediate, surprising, unpleasant reaction from those I thought would understand and care for me. While my plan was to leave at the end of the year (about 4 months), what I received was immediate disconnection and an "invitation" to leave "sooner rather than later" (i.e. clean your office out immediately).  I was shocked and gone in two weeks.

After this painful experience, a friend asked me some questions. "Who are you? Tell me who you are. Tell me about yourself."
As I started describing myself, all the descriptive terms and phrases I could summon were about my calling, my abilities, my accomplishments, my experience.  It was all "work" related.


"No. Tell me about Jim. Describe him to me."


And I couldn't.

I had worked in a church environment where my personal and spiritual life did not seem important to my peers or leader.  But, my "job" was overwhelming and sometimes I was working 55-60 hours a week. I felt like a piece of equipment. So my understanding of myself had morphed into what I do, not who I am.  "You are not what you do!" my friend told me, yet I had no idea who I was apart from what I did.  That's what had been modeled for me by numerous church leaders. At one point I went to visit a friend's church plant and while there, a woman I didn't know walked up to me and said "God told me you were coming today and He said that I was to pray for you, no matter what."  And she did.  A powerful prayer.  A loving prayer.  A blessing prayer.  A healing prayer.  

That prayer touched me on a level that had long been dry. On the way home I searched through my memory trying to think of the last time someone came up to me, purely out of God's leading or out of their love, and randomly said "I want to pray for you."  It had to be years since that happened.  It was then that I realized I had been ministering in an environment where I was never ministered to. I realized, from that environment I had taken on a personality that wasn't mine, and I didn't like that version of me.  

To this day I am still relearning who I am, both as a person, and as a son of the most-high God.  But one thing I absolutely know about myself is that Micah 6:8 is forever burned into my soul. 

Who am I?  James Holland, a man who hates when people are treated unjustly (especially in the church); a man who loves mercy (especially in the midst of dealing with painful issues) and a man who desires and strives greatly to walk with God, humbly and lovingly as a son. (I keep screwing that one up.)

A friend and leader of mine years ago, when we were faced with a difficult situation would ask "is this a hill you're ready to die on?"  Meaning, is this something so important (or so Micah 6:8) that you're willing to risk your job, your position, your reputation and your future?"   When it comes to people, especially within the church, being treated unjustly, and without kindness, YES, that is A hill upon which I am willing to die.

Micah 6:8