F-BOMB

My Mother died last week. 

For me at least, both her death and how her passing was communicated to me, were........unexpected.

Emotional bonds are just not something with which my family ever struggled.  They just simply did not exist. Nor was my family aware of what you call, "the apologizing." I'm not referring to those "sorry I dropped your JELLO on the floor" or "I'm sorry if you feel that way" - apologies. No, I'm speaking of the mature "I was wrong, please forgive me" type. It was in an interpersonal communication class in college that I first heard of such an apology.

Deep interpersonal connections have always been a foreign concept in our collective. Any relationships that did exist wasd based solely on proximity; live close and you might talk to each other. My living all across the country resulted in my living outside the dome of proper family.

Neither of my two brothers, nor any other family members called me with the news that my Mother had passed away.

I was informed of my Mother's death............. in a text message. 

A text message.  

Neither of my brother's sent the text. It came from my sister-in-law. I'm thankful at least that she made some effort, otherwise I guess I would never have known. 

A text message is an awful way to find out one's parent has passed away.  Perhaps in the new tech cultural lifestyle this is becoming the norm, family members receive death announcements on facebook or in a tweet.  God help us.

After six months of not hearing from anyone in my family, out of the blue I received a single text message that coldly stated, "Your mother has taken her last breath.  She is dead."

That's how I was told.

<<<angry face>>>

FORGIVENESS is relinquishing one's "right" to justice, or one's right to have power that can be held over the one who hurt us.

I did a teaching series a few years back called "F-BOMB" - a series whose name upset some parents, that is, until they found out the actual subject matter.  The topic was simply about the power of "dropping a bomb of forgiveness" on someone who hurt you.  I said forgiveness isn't easy, especially in situations where the one who hurt you, doesn't believe they have done anything wrong, or they don't care if they did.  But God still commands us to forgive.

A website exists for former pastors/ministers who have left their job due to burnout, being hurt, stress, loneliness, etc..

Today an article popped up on their site about forgiveness, explaining that peace can only come when we have truly forgiven those who have hurt us.  They explain two important aspects of forgiveness:

1. FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS
2. FORGIVENESS IS MOSTLY ABOUT ME.

Moment of honesty.  I'm not there yet.  I'm still processing feeling hurts from three years ago and again six months ago.  I have forgiven those who hurt me, though the scars remain and are still raw.  Not to mention they seem to get poked at regularly, unintentionally or intentionally.

But this week, my F-BOMB is stuck in the bomb bay, waiting to be released, waiting to set ME free. I admit - I haven't let it fly yet. I'm trying. 

No. I'm really not. (not yet)

I apologize if I have hurt you in the past. Sincerely.
I hope you will forgive me.

I also apologize if I dropped your JELLO on the floor.

I pray you drop F-BOMBS more easily than do I.

DO YOU PRAY FOR YOUR PASTOR: PART III

PART III: HOW TO BLESS YOUR PASTOR

PART I: "WHY" YOU SHOULD BE PRAYING FOR YOUR PASTOR (click here)
PART II: "HOW" TO PRAY FOR YOUR PASTOR (click here)

Moment of vulnerability here;  I'm not easy to bless.  I don't receive well, maybe because of pride, maybe because of guilt, or maybe because I feel like I need to reciprocate whatever was "given" to me.  You know, someone you kind of know gives you a Christmas gift and you feel obligated to give them something in return, not simply receive it and say "thank-you."

One Sunday, five minutes before our service began, a parent came up to me and wanted to tell me how thankful she was that I was there, leading the ministry.  It was a welcomed bit of encouragement just at the right moment. Or, so I thought.  BAM! With a smile, she abruptly transitioned from encouraging, to making "suggestions" as to how we could do things better, how we needed to reach certain people, and how we might want to tone down the "edginess" of our ministry.  Of course all of these were said politely, not angrily, but they felt manipulative.  She caught me completely off-guard and it wrecked me for the rest of the service.  I was not blessed.  No, I felt like I had been kicked in the bad place.

What truly blesses me is when 1) someone encourages and edifies my wife's calling (worship leading) and gives her opportunities to use that gift.  THAT blesses me.  Or, 2) when people are hungry to grow and be changed; that blesses me.  3) Cheese blesses me.

Saying "I enjoyed your message" does not bless me.  Thought I'm sure it's always sincere, it doesn't seem much different than "I enjoyed that movie", or "I enjoyed that taco."  It's encouraging, but not necessarily a blessing.  However, "Your sermon today kicked my A**! I'll never look at _____________ the same!" - now THAT blesses me.  See the difference?  In this context, a REAL blessing brings a specific encouragement, affirmation, and show of love to the one being blessed.

Although Pastors are individuals and have different tastes, likes, and hobbies, most Pastors are blessed by similar things.   Similarly, most pastors are UN-blessed by similar things.

Let's start there:  WHAT DOES NOT BLESS YOUR PASTOR

• DO NOT say "thank you" for something, then immediately follow that blessing with ideas of how it could be done better, or by informing the pastor of (what you see as) "mistakes" the Pastor made.
• DO NOT walk up to your Pastor before the service and complain, make suggestions, share a "church problem, or your idea of what the church should be doing, or asking why the church isn't................
• DO NOT approach the Pastor before the service, and discuss what was "wrong" with last week's sermon.
• DO NOT "critique" a ministry, activity, or team, but be unwilling yourself to SERVE.
• DO NOT make "snarky" comments about the Pastor having a nice home, going on a nice vacation, or buying a new car, etc..  You don't know the circumstances.  They might have saved for a long time. It might be a gift.  Don't assume! Don't be jealous! Don't decide to stop giving because you think it's going to the Pastor's vacation!
• DO NOT speak negatively about the Pastor to others.  Gossip is not a blessing!
• DO NOT hand the Pastor a book and say "you should preach on this!"
• DO NOT assume you are one of the Pastor's best friends. If you are, you'll know it.
• DO NOT repeatedly "push" a ministry you are passionate about upon the Pastor.  Give him/her time to pray/think about it.  It may not fit with the church's vision or mission.  Don't get your feelings hurt if your pet project isn't adopted by the church.
• DO NOT EXPECT the Pastor to do everything, be everything, be available 24/7.  (See Part I)
• DO NOT send the Pastor anonymous emails or letters of complaint or anger.  That's the act of a coward.  If you have a problem, humbly talk to him /her.

Many of these "DO NOTs" are simple: Pastors don't need a "drive-by" agendas on the weekends!

Most of these UN-blessings can be simply avoided if you make arrangement to talk to the pastor "off-line."  In other words, call him/her during the week and make an appointment. A good conversation starter is "would it be okay if I talked to you about___________?"

HOW TO BLESS YOUR PASTOR'S MINISTRY  (a basic list)

1. PRAY for THE PASTOR (we've covered        that already).  THAT blesses PASTOR.
2. SERVE humbly and willingly. See          
      something that needs doing, jump in     
       and help. Don't take over! Just          
       serve.  That blesses the PASTOR
3. SUPPORT UNITY in the church.  Stand 
       against divisions and gossip. THAT 
       blesses the PASTOR
4. THANK THE PASTOR.  Be specific. Do it 
       in person, in an email, in a letter. (a 
       written note  has tremendous encouragement impact.)  Let it be a thank you ONLY!          THAT blesses the PASTOR
5. BLESS HIS STAFF AND LEADERS.  Be generous to them. Invest in their lives.  THAT 
        blesses the PASTOR!
7. DO PROPER CONFLICT RESOLUTION.  Talk to the Pastor FIRST.  THAT BLESSES THE     
        PASTOR!
8. DON'T ASSUME your are, or should be, a leader. Be a servant, and grow into a leader! 
       THAT blesses the Pastor.
10. SIT CLOSE to the front in the church service.  Have your Bible. Follow Along.  Take 
      notes. (okay, that's old-school).  Use your technology, but PAY ATTENTION! so it 
       doesn't look like you're playing video poker!
11.  SEEK TRANSFORMATION!  THAT BLESSES A PASTOR!


HOW TO BLESS YOUR PASTOR PERSONALLY       

1. PRAY!  ASK GOD HOW YOU SPECIFICALLY CAN ENCOURAGE YOUR PASTOR.  Everyone has different gifts and skills to offer.  
2. ASK!  That doesn't mean ask the Pastor himself, but ask his friends or his family.  Ask other pastors what blesses them.
3. Be generous!

• If your Pastor has a favorite restaurant, buy him a gift card for his family.  Slip it to him ANONYMOUSLY!
• If you have access to a vacation spot, arrange a trip for the Pastor's Family.  For that matter, if you have the resources, send them on a cruise!
• If the Pastor has kids, arrange a baby sitter so the Pastor and his wife can have a night out.  (arrange this ahead of time)
• Bake cookies for the Pastor!
• Share food with them!  If you live in a place with access to fresh produce (like here in Oregon), bring them a basket of freshly picked fruit and vegetables 
• GIVE YOUR PASTOR TICKETS to a sporting event (GO SAINTS) or a Play, Musical, etc.. 
• Buy him/her a gas card for his personal use.
• Give him a Starbucks card
• If you can, Offer your Pastor a Getaway (cabin or something) for his OWN PERSONAL SPIRITUAL RETREAT.
• Find what your Pastor's favorite beverage is, and give it to him.

SOME RANDOM PRACTICAL BLESSINGS

• Wash your Pastor's car while he is at work.  Yep, grab the hose at the church and go to town!  (do a good job.  A crappy job is not a blessing)
• Be available to run errands for your Pastor
• Remember your Pastor's Birthday!  Make sure others remember too!
• Send your Pastor a note, 
• affirming his sermon or sharing what you like about the church he leads.
• sharing how his church has changed your life.
• offering your willingness to serve.
• Bring him lunch one day during the week.  Ask what he likes.
• Give him and his/her family Christmas Gifts.
• Invite their kids over for the day or for an activity, to give your Pastor a rest.
• Respect his / her time

FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND ADD TO THE LIST